1am - Panic Attack



I'm having one of those freak out moments!
I'm excited with all the things that are going to happen this week and during the month. At the same time, as I can't control when and some of them how, I'm getting insecure, I'm doubting if it is too much things.
Seriously freaking out!!!

My heart is beating fast, my breath is a bit uncontrolled...
Yes I'm having a panic attack.
Which might be a good thing after all - if I solve it the right way.
It just might keep me awake all night! - and that's not good.

Just calming myself and write all of this helps.
My mind can be incoherent many times, moving fast and faster without focusing in anything. Leading to make me feel disoriented and losing control. By focusing in small task, even if it is just written what I'm feeling it helps to calm myself and start to solve the problems I have in hands.

Thinking and written in another language also force me to calm too. Thought I can pretty much think and write in english as almost my native tongue. Almost. Not quite there yet.

Back to the turmoil in my head, all the things that I propose myself to do will make me have to postpone other things that I want to do. But that's life right? Sometimes you have to give up or postpone certain things to accomplish others. For certain things to work you have to work hard and commit. But sometimes is so hard to commit! It's so hard to commit one way when you feel (even for rare moments) that others aren't committing as much as you! And that you are always finding excuses for the others, and until you hear ourself out loud you don't realise what you're doing, or how sad is what you're doing.

I dream big. Often too big, and also often I dream the finale, not the middle, or the steps and hard work to accomplish it. Then I lost motivation - and I write here.

I always think that I can do everything, and always creating new things to do, even if haven't finished what I already had started.
When I have an idea, I want to do it in that exact moment. But that's not realistic.
Things take time. Understanding this is growing up. But I still need to realise this on day to day, and not just remember it every time I analyze things.

Realizing that I'm 24 and just now I waking up for my future, and still that looks so uncertain.
Day to day can be a struggle. Some days I have the whole world strenght and will, other's I just wanna curl in my blankets.
I have lucid moments that I know what I want and how to get it! But most of the time I feel like wandering lost for one thing to another.

It makes me sad knowing how bad I am on keeping people around me, or even how still this days I can't and won't open myself to others. I can count people I consider friends by one hand (with most of the fingers left out). But most of the time I feel I can't rely on almost no one, often not even in myself. I don't like to pretend what I'm not, but I don't like either to let people in. I can either tell a lot, or just say nothing at all.

I'm in cocoon. A bubble, where I can see the world, but most of the times can't pass through - I don't know how to act, what to say... I want to be able to go somewhere and say this is me, this what I do and what I like, this are my believes... But let's be honest, that's kind of hard when you don't know how to present yourself, or you don't believe you are at your best.

I'm not good at doing things for myself! I'm not good for myself. I should have solve this kind of problems long time ago. It's so sad that the problems that I have with myself are still the same that I had when I was a child, and a small one. In one hand I know that I'm different, and somehow most of things I wouldn't change. But at the same time I can't get over that! I fear confrontation, I'm alone, but I fear to be lonely. I cherish the time I spend with myself but I don't wanna be that way forever and all the time.

I can't solve this problems. I choose to ignore them most of the times. It's easier to live this way. Hide everything deep inside of me. (and this can be so harmful).

When I get insecure or fearful everything comes back in a big wave to put me down. I can spend days is this state if I'm not careful. Sometimes I think that in the past I spend weeks, months even in this kind of state, so tight by my fears that I could make a move. I couldn't create, I couldn't do nothing, and when I had to, I manage to convince myself that it wasn't worthy. It wasn't worthy to have all the work to accomplish this because no one would appreciate it. It wasn't worthy because I hadn't the skills and I had not time for it. I wasn't worthy... Why would anyone would care about what I was doing? I'm nothing special, why would someone care? I'm not perfect, and I can't do perfect things - why would someone like the things that I do? I feel I know nothing, why would anyone think that I know something? I'm grumpy and gloomy, why would anyone ask me things as if I am someone nice to talk to? I'm inadequate... and sometimes I still think all of this and believe in it.

Couldn't finish my master thesis based on my stupidity and fear. Lost all the love I had for that project in the process.
At the same time learn I could still create! That I was able to relate to new people, though not making new friendships.
Learn that I could dream again, that I plan and start to make things. And though that's all good, I still can't accept me for what I am, I can't love me, I have moments that I don't believe myself or even can stand myself.

Nowadays I often act like I'm a teenager, I answer back, raise my voice... all things that I haven't done when I was a teenager. It pisses me of that I do this kind of things. People aren't guilty for my flaws and faults.
I feel that at this age I should be conquering the world, not spending my 24/7 in front a computer on the internet. I feel that I should be enjoying other things out of my own room, by my own or with friends, and not leaving home every time my parents are. Or wait for them to do things. That's kinda of sad in so many levels.

This is ridiculous especially for someone that considers freedom so important... and therefore is so dependent.

It's sad that I've started this text at 1am and now it's 3 and I'm still here. Tears have rolled out of my eyes. They are dry now. I'm not anxious anymore, but can't sleep either. I felt angry, but feel calm now.
My feelings are a turmoil, and change faster than the weather.

And I feel that I have nothing else to say... at least for now.


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