Start working at 3am because you're feeling to sick to go to sleep?
Now that sounds like a great idea! Humhum
Late dinner make me feel sick. And now I'm tired but too restless to go to sleep. This is not good.
So let's design shall we?
And maybe when the sunrises again I might feel tired enough to actually go to sleep.... or I just might drink some coffee and turn on the tv and watch stupid shows.
All that she ever wanted was to be loved.
Be accepted for what she was.
Let down the mask and be with someone that she didn't need to hide parts of her, that's she didn't need to tell sweet little lies.
She just wanted to be free from the standards that restrain her.
Be like a bird, spread her wings and fly away... so far away.
It wasn't that easy to do, not even in her fantasies she managed to be free.
She was locked down by her fears, her beliefs, values and tears.
Solitude \\ Miramar, Capela do Senhor da Pedra (2013)
How can someone spend her day dragging herself from hour to hour, just to realize the day has passed... it's gone, she didn't do nothing. Accomplished nothing, nothing that she can hold in her tired hands.
Because she's tired, oh so tired.
All she wants is to lay her head in the soft sand and let it all go.
Close herself in her cocoon and have some closure.
“Life is too short to waste any amount of time on wondering what other people think about you. In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn’t have the time to sit around and talk about you. What’s important to me is not others’ opinions of me, but what’s important to me is my opinion of myself.”
What to do when you find out that something you thought it was real it's fake?
Or to be more specific, I thought someone was something, I deep believed it, and more I know the person, more I know it's fake, and fake. I swear that I thought I was different, what we had was different. But apparently I was wrong.
It's something that's bothering me, and more time I let it go, worse I feel about. I don't want to deal with it, and with the person. All this gives knots in the stomach. I find myself not wanting to do things that I usually enjoy.
I'm having one of those freak out moments!
I'm excited with all the things that are going to happen this week and during the month. At the same time, as I can't control when and some of them how, I'm getting insecure, I'm doubting if it is too much things.
Seriously freaking out!!!
My heart is beating fast, my breath is a bit uncontrolled...
Yes I'm having a panic attack.
Which might be a good thing after all - if I solve it the right way.
It just might keep me awake all night! - and that's not good.
Just calming myself and write all of this helps.
My mind can be incoherent many times, moving fast and faster without focusing in anything. Leading to make me feel disoriented and losing control. By focusing in small task, even if it is just written what I'm feeling it helps to calm myself and start to solve the problems I have in hands.
Thinking and written in another language also force me to calm too. Thought I can pretty much think and write in english as almost my native tongue. Almost. Not quite there yet.
Back to the turmoil in my head, all the things that I propose myself to do will make me have to postpone other things that I want to do. But that's life right? Sometimes you have to give up or postpone certain things to accomplish others. For certain things to work you have to work hard and commit. But sometimes is so hard to commit! It's so hard to commit one way when you feel (even for rare moments) that others aren't committing as much as you! And that you are always finding excuses for the others, and until you hear ourself out loud you don't realise what you're doing, or how sad is what you're doing.
I dream big. Often too big, and also often I dream the finale, not the middle, or the steps and hard work to accomplish it. Then I lost motivation - and I write here.
I always think that I can do everything, and always creating new things to do, even if haven't finished what I already had started.
When I have an idea, I want to do it in that exact moment. But that's not realistic.
Things take time. Understanding this is growing up. But I still need to realise this on day to day, and not just remember it every time I analyze things.
Realizing that I'm 24 and just now I waking up for my future, and still that looks so uncertain.
Day to day can be a struggle. Some days I have the whole world strenght and will, other's I just wanna curl in my blankets.
I have lucid moments that I know what I want and how to get it! But most of the time I feel like wandering lost for one thing to another.
It makes me sad knowing how bad I am on keeping people around me, or even how still this days I can't and won't open myself to others. I can count people I consider friends by one hand (with most of the fingers left out). But most of the time I feel I can't rely on almost no one, often not even in myself. I don't like to pretend what I'm not, but I don't like either to let people in. I can either tell a lot, or just say nothing at all.
I'm in cocoon. A bubble, where I can see the world, but most of the times can't pass through - I don't know how to act, what to say... I want to be able to go somewhere and say this is me, this what I do and what I like, this are my believes... But let's be honest, that's kind of hard when you don't know how to present yourself, or you don't believe you are at your best.
I'm not good at doing things for myself! I'm not good for myself. I should have solve this kind of problems long time ago. It's so sad that the problems that I have with myself are still the same that I had when I was a child, and a small one. In one hand I know that I'm different, and somehow most of things I wouldn't change. But at the same time I can't get over that! I fear confrontation, I'm alone, but I fear to be lonely. I cherish the time I spend with myself but I don't wanna be that way forever and all the time.
I can't solve this problems. I choose to ignore them most of the times. It's easier to live this way. Hide everything deep inside of me. (and this can be so harmful).
When I get insecure or fearful everything comes back in a big wave to put me down. I can spend days is this state if I'm not careful. Sometimes I think that in the past I spend weeks, months even in this kind of state, so tight by my fears that I could make a move. I couldn't create, I couldn't do nothing, and when I had to, I manage to convince myself that it wasn't worthy. It wasn't worthy to have all the work to accomplish this because no one would appreciate it. It wasn't worthy because I hadn't the skills and I had not time for it. I wasn't worthy... Why would anyone would care about what I was doing? I'm nothing special, why would someone care? I'm not perfect, and I can't do perfect things - why would someone like the things that I do? I feel I know nothing, why would anyone think that I know something? I'm grumpy and gloomy, why would anyone ask me things as if I am someone nice to talk to? I'm inadequate... and sometimes I still think all of this and believe in it.
Couldn't finish my master thesis based on my stupidity and fear. Lost all the love I had for that project in the process.
At the same time learn I could still create! That I was able to relate to new people, though not making new friendships.
Learn that I could dream again, that I plan and start to make things. And though that's all good, I still can't accept me for what I am, I can't love me, I have moments that I don't believe myself or even can stand myself.
Nowadays I often act like I'm a teenager, I answer back, raise my voice... all things that I haven't done when I was a teenager. It pisses me of that I do this kind of things. People aren't guilty for my flaws and faults.
I feel that at this age I should be conquering the world, not spending my 24/7 in front a computer on the internet. I feel that I should be enjoying other things out of my own room, by my own or with friends, and not leaving home every time my parents are. Or wait for them to do things. That's kinda of sad in so many levels.
This is ridiculous especially for someone that considers freedom so important... and therefore is so dependent.
It's sad that I've started this text at 1am and now it's 3 and I'm still here. Tears have rolled out of my eyes. They are dry now. I'm not anxious anymore, but can't sleep either. I felt angry, but feel calm now.
My feelings are a turmoil, and change faster than the weather.
And I feel that I have nothing else to say... at least for now.
Borboleta - the wild cat in my backyard peeking in the stairs for food
Since the last post about my latest obsession about horror movies that I haven't publish anything! Shame on me!
Since then I've only seen one more movie - unfortunately I didn't realize until the end that it was a 2009 sort of remake of the Friday 13th - and it was a little blah. Not scary at all, visually strong and gory but not scary and too long! No doubt I will be searching for the first one to see.
But let's not talk about movies again. After that I went on a reading spree! I started to organize and took a deep look at my e-books; and then it was just choose and read. Which lead me to think that the best investment I did this year (after my new glasses) was the modest tablet that I got. It's not the most fancy thing ever, but for reading books and comics is beyond perfection.
But back to the books that I've read; I mainly read two authors Sherrilyn Kenyon and Nora Roberts.
From the 1st one: Dark Hunter Series - Fantasy Lover, The Beginning (short story), Dragonswan (short story), Night Pleasures, Night Embrace, Phantom Lover (short story), Dance with the Devil, A Dark Hunter Christmas (short story) and Kiss of the Night.
From the 2nd one: Blithe Images (short story), Islands of Flowers (short story), Search for Love (short story), Song of the West and The Hearts Victory.
Seven books and seven short stories O_o hmm (but who is counting right?... oh yeah right... me)
Right... can I mention that I read fast? And by fast I mean like lightening speed. oh and that these books were kind of small too (well at least half of them). It's a good thing that I don't read like this all the time, I would be out of books to read really fast.
But life isn't just having fun.
In the past week I was really moody, I had things to do but I had some kind of block (loads of layers of different kind of blocks). Pretty much as I was when I wrote this personal rant. But fortunately I broke the blocks and was able to function again and work too. I think the thursday holiday helped in that a lot.
I feel inspired again and I manage to advance in a couple things that I needed to do. *ohhappyday*
I'm a person that doesn't enjoy going to the beach, or even a person that enjoys the summer too much. I don't like the heat, I don't feel comfortable in summer clothes. I like wind and wearing scarfs with cardigans. So my summer trips are mainly in my room. It might be sad to some, but I like it this way.
I'm happy today - I managed to do what I had to do. I have more exciting things to do next week. I draw some nice sketches for notebooks/notepads that I will be doing this week (hopefully). My grandma's birthday is this week, and we started to celebrate already today with chocolate cake and port wine (which are two really nice things to have at any time). Over all I feel that I accomplish something, and that's good (I think).
